unemployment

This is an admission and an acknowledgment (especially to myself). I am unemployed and often drifting without direction. Unemployment has truthfully infected me since I graduated in 2012. I must say that it may have begun even before graduation. Attaining a degree in something so broad with vague career direction has actually inhibited me from moving forward. Looking back I would have chosen an education path that led me into a specific specialization to excel in. Education has always been incredibly inspiring to me. I worked diligently and found satisfaction in compiling that 20 page paper and participating in classroom conversation.
I was recently reminded that in the past, I actually spoke Spanish fluently. (What? My tongue surely doesn't remember such a time.) I loved being able to learn another language and being able to accurately understand a different rich culture. Unfortunately difficult experiences abroad instilled some kind of fear in me and I instinctively built a wall in my heart.
Somehow the only work experience I have built has been exclusively in retail. This was never in my plan. Am I now only restricted to this field even though I desire so much more?

Oh, the lies that keep me crouching down so low! "You don't have any special gifts otherwise you would have discovered them by now. You don't have an identity because our world defines people by what job they have. This will never end. It's all your fault. Everyone is judging me. You are not good enough at anything...etc."

STOP.

My identity does not lie in anything I do. Who cares about what other people think? This is my journey. I feel a passion in my heart that I cannot describe. This passion usually exceeds my understanding and I have no idea how it will be used, but it has to be there for something. My husband and I will be provided for. We will be content. I will be patient.

Darling magazine posted an article on surviving unemployment. Most of it speaks of networking and taking time to discover more of who you are. Deep breaths and prayers reset my mind. I desire connections and inspirations. I continue to ask questions and state my thoughts to keep my mind active:

• You love school...get a Masters! (but in what field?)
• Open your heart to Spanish again; do not choke a gift.
• Make connections with people you admire and start asking questions about their journeys.
• Do not be afraid to start small.
• Under no circumstances let your feelings of inadequacy inhibit you from exploration.
• Humble yourself and ask for help.
• Teach yourself something new.
• Stop and smell those roses.

I deeply desire to make a difference and be continually moved by the human soul. I believe my taste has the ability to inspire and make sense of things. I am not afraid to learn. I am willing. I am seeking.

Who? What? Where? When? How?

{thought}

not in apathy but in pursuit,

not in self but in un-self,

not in captivity but in freedom,

here lies inspiration.

image via designlovefest

graces

The full-life is full of graces. If only I sought to see these graces amidst the hardest moments. Why am I in the habit of reducing the beauty around me to less than has been created for me to see? I am blind.

Ann Voskamp asks, "Why do I reduce the Greatest to the lesser instead of seeing the lesser, this mess, as reflecting the Greatest?" So here I am thoughtfully assessing my circumstance by way of a muddy mind, this mind that is focused on self and time. There is something missing in my life when I do not recognize the graces of then and now and to come. Mother as she played animals with us around the table, Dad's kindness to the nurses despite it all, a friend who's company calmed the shiver out of Chicago's rain, a roommate who sang worship in the shower, husband's laughter that ignites mine in the final moments before sleep, taps of a foot to a bright song, flowering weeds, as well as, tulip bulbs that signal spring, the gathering of faces to the farmer's market come June, birthdays, children, old age, eternity...In this moment of thankfulness I come alive. Grace has found me just as I am. 

miss to mrs.

About 6.5 months ago this dear one was standing beside me on my wedding day. I was so honored and encouraged by her presence there. Now I am deeply honored again because in just a couple days I will be standing up in hers. Since the beginning, Elizabeth and I felt that our relationship was truly edifying and character-refining. She has been a divine source of encouragement. 

Miss Elizabeth, you are a breathtaking woman of God. You truly are an example of one on the pursuit heavenward. I cherish your heart, mind and soul. For your heart is full of compassion for those in need. Your mind is filled with great intellect of His word. And your soul is consistently blooming with the Spirit. You have given me love, Liz, in a way that encourages me to become more of who I was made to be. 

Now, as you take your last steps as a single woman, I cannot express my joy. With everything in me I am confident that you are more than ready to enter into marriage. I have seen you blossom with a true love. Remember to drink in the moments of your wedding day like you would a perfect cup of tea. Taste each sweetest smile and savor the overwhelming wonder of such a perfect day. I will stand proudly at your side thanking God for the plan he has for your life. Mr. Jason Nack is God's best for you and that is celebration worthy. 

This journey is so much sweeter with you. Love always. 

Image via Woodnote Photography

first and last

I am the Alpha and Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end.
Revelation 22:13

To all the confused
and downtrodden,
to all the broken
and weary,
and to all the truths
replaced by lies,
He holds the first word,
and He will have the last.

6 months

Jason and I celebrated our 6th month of marriage on March 28th. We delight in remembering these past months and find pure joy in the gift of oneness we now share. Surely the mark of 6 months should be cherished. We classed up for a lovely dinner out in the Village of Wauwatosa. From the savory food to the handsome company, I have never shared a more lovely meal. 2 hours passed with conversation of love, wedding nostalgia, and laughter.

Every newlywed couple is asked this question 10x10 times: "How is married life?"
Instead of reluctantly answering for the 100th time, J and I truly love these multiple opportunities to share how grace has encouraged us in our new adventure together. This single question opens a door for us to show our contentment in the blessing of our vows to each other. Our answer usually starts like this: "Marriage is amazing. Our circumstances in life right now can be challenging but marriage gives us joy. We have never laughed more in our entire lives." In other words, circumstances including finances, my lack of full time employment and mental/emotional health are difficult. However, we do not let these things discourage our marriage. If anything, these said hardships strengthen us as a couple. My husband's fruits of the spirit rub off on me and teach me to look beyond myself into the face of grace.

This is the beginning of 60+ years of marriage. I am eagerly looking forward to our life together. Till death do us part.

aloof

I have had too many fruitless days. It seems that it, in fact, takes practice to step out of boredom. Without a steady job, little to no hobbies and freezing weather... I find myself, well, aloof. Weeks have passed with my feet trudging along. It can't last forever because this is not what I was made for. Last week I did yoga and got a library card. I read a book in 3 days and went back for two more. This past Sunday we went for a walk in the snow and I remembered again why I smile at winter. Yesterday I tried to go for a run, but was content with walking. Today was rainy but 55 degrees. I just thought that was absurd in the coolest way possible. So I may not be seeing the world, getting paid a fat paycheck or even doing anything of great importance; but I am giving up myself for something that I believe will not disappoint: hope.