jordan

We've been friends for a while;
you can tell by Jor's hair and make-up
and probably her fave tee at the time.

 

Circa 2002, I said hi to a face in the back of a school bus. Wish I had a photo from that era- of me walking next to this chick with a bulky green coat that said "Africa" on the back. I didn't know at the time that it was the beginning of a life-long friendship; especially since she gave me the cold-shoulder for a stint because I stopped writing in our Spiderman notebook. There is Myspace hate-mail to prove it. Oh, and there was another stint because of disapproval of the dude I was dating at the time. But through the awkward 7-11 grades, I just loved this girl.

 

We are so different, even in size which is amazing because when we hug I fit perfectly in her bosom. Bosom chest & bosom friend. We feed off of each other. Well, she makes fun of me and then I laugh. She says I am actually the funny one- which isn't true in almost all of my friendships. But she is the one who has caused me to laugh so hard that I need to inhale by inhaler to stop the wheezing. When she laughs that hard, her tears and running mascara make me so happy.

 

I am so proud of her for overcoming more obstacles than I have ever experienced personally. These crappy situations of life write part of her story, but then there is the rest of the story which I am privileged to know. It is such a beautiful thing to know and be known stripped of walls and coping-mechanisms. And even after 13 years, this is all still unfolding. Oh, and I am also proud of her for winning the Nobel Peace Prize once in the game of LIFE. #goals

 

I am grateful that she loves my husband just as much as she loves me. I am grateful that my grandpa loves her so much that he quietly gave her the "hang loose" sign 10 rows up at church. I am grateful that she has made individual memories with my siblings and that she texts my brother in Nashville encouraging messages just because. I am grateful that she honks every time she drives by my parents house and spends time with them when I'm not there. Honestly, she sees them 10x more than she sees me in this season.  They know her as I know her and consequently can't help but love her.

 

She remembers every inside-joke we have ever created and when I don't, I still laugh because it's funny all over again. I would bake a Brazilian 3 layer cake with her any day even if it turns out to be a disaster. I would take another 7th grade English class with her if it meant disrupting class, reading poems and making videos. I would try to stay awake until 3am but fail every time if it meant I was sleeping at her house.

 

But guaranteed we will continue to make new memories, and I bet they will be better, more hilarious and more truthful than the last.

 

Happy Birthday, Jordan.

See you tonight.



now

A few weeks ago at work I realized how young I am. There I was- bottom of the food chain in a conference room surrounded by folk who are salary associates and are in positions with much more responsibility. Then I thought- oh yea, they are all age 30+. I said out loud, " I am only 25! It's okay that I don't know what I am doing with my life." They asked each other if they even knew what they were doing and each said no- even with 30 years under their belt. Not 30 seconds later, when it was quiet again, I felt hope. I had to say it out loud because each person in that room needed encouragement. "You know what? I do know what I am doing with my life. I am spending it with my family. I am cherishing moments with my husband and sharing in community."

If I lived waiting for a well fitting career just to boost my confidence, so much precious time would zoom by, wasted. I can't believe I even said that I didn't know what I was doing with my life! In that moment I held no gratitude in my heart. I was choosing not to see all the memories and accomplishments thus far and was completely blind to how much love has been given to me. My life is not my own. It is a gift in itself. If my life is but a moment then my job cannot define what I am doing with it. 

I believe that God intends we find a fit. Some of us are called to a career that fits, others are called to a city that fits, and still others are called to a craft that fits, etc.... But I also believe that he has provided purpose now. Above all, our lives are intended to serve. We are to use our unique gifts to bring light to the dark places. Lately it is difficult for me to know my gifts and passions, but that doesn't mean they aren't there waiting discovery. I have to hope in that because I do want to make an impact and inspire. 

So in the mean time,

"What are you doing with your life?"

"I am discovering my gifts while actively spending time with those I love, finding time to learn new things and humbly walking by faith."

If I still don't have a career to talk about when I'm 80, so be it. I pray I will still be able to say that my life has been intentional and filled with more love than I could ever deserve. 

death thought it had won

"Day turned to night, His friends scattered and death thought it had won. 

But heaven just started counting to three." -Bob Goff

In this time Jesus pursued the humanity of this world with the greatest love that ever was and ever will be. He was blameless, yet did not resist punishment. His words held power and confidence in his identity. Death and darkness thought they had won, but the heavens and the rocks of the earth knew this was not the end, but the beginning. All fell quiet as Heaven prepared to bring light everlasting to the spirits of our clouded souls. 

Over the mountains and seas, he comes running, my Lover to me. 

If my tongue is able to speak at all after reflection on what has been done for me, it soulfully utters "thank you. i surrender." 

beautiful image via Chelsea Petaja

1 yr 6 mo

As of one week ago, March 28th, Jason John and I have been married for 1 year and 6 months. This one isn't as big as the two year mark to come, but I celebrate this time with so much joy! Truly, I cannot put in words what my husband and our marriage mean to me. Through grace, selfless love and open communication, this time has been filled with deep edification and gladness. My gratitude for this man may just burst my heart open. His patience knows no bounds and his inner peace brings contentment into our home. In adoration, I respect his integrity and character. I feel his love for me expand as I increasingly admire him. This cycle of respect and unconditional love creates a safe place for me to make mistakes, cry and dream. 

In his presence, I have never laughed as hard so frequently. I swear all this laughter is adding years to my life although I will surely gain more wrinkles, errr laugh lines. I can never spend too much time with him. Most of my family and friends say that he gives the best hugs around. Well, lucky me gets these hugs all day. You must know that his arms are powerful, which I imagine are a hint of God's embrace. 

Our days are not easy peasy. We struggle with wants, finances, decisions and sin. But my focus turns on my purpose to love and I am content in the moment. 

Friends, the same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs. I am sure of it. 

xoxo

Jason, sometimes when I look at you, it all feels brand new. 

images by Woodnote Photography

inspiration 01

I must clarify that this time of open days and isolate hours are not without momentum. Heck yes it is rough not knowing exactly who I am, what my gifts are or what sort of profession is a good fit for me. But this is not a diagnosis for a prescription of pity prescribed by myself or you. I am often flooded by that mysterious thing that we call inspiration. I find that it's not really there when I crawl back into bed or when I eat 6 Oreos in a row or especially when I compare myself to everyone who looks busy and passionate. BUT when I habitually use conscious thought to explore...I find something that connects me to...me (my blurry gifts, passions and interests). One day it will all make more sense. Yes? 

01. STYLE it's always making me look twice. that look that makes her feel confident. those heels that i wear to the grocery store. lipstick, don't leave me. a color combo that says MHM. Image via http://jacquelineharriet.com

02. WES ANDERSON he is brilliant. moon rise kingdom and now the grand budapest hotel? i wanted to watch it again before it was over. we are still talking about our favorite lines and scenes because they were countless. every single shot = stunning. oh, and read this: Annie Atkins-Designing the Grand Budapest Hotel

03. ELEPHANT LANDING jayden and caroline lee of team woodnote are writing the next chapter in  bringing hope to families in india. their journey is one worth telling. world impact is invaluable and the flame of joy can be lit by one single match. "the creations are made in their home, for your home." don't miss this: elephantlanding.com

04. IN BLOOM spring will come. Image via ashleywoodsonbailey.com

unemployment

This is an admission and an acknowledgment (especially to myself). I am unemployed and often drifting without direction. Unemployment has truthfully infected me since I graduated in 2012. I must say that it may have begun even before graduation. Attaining a degree in something so broad with vague career direction has actually inhibited me from moving forward. Looking back I would have chosen an education path that led me into a specific specialization to excel in. Education has always been incredibly inspiring to me. I worked diligently and found satisfaction in compiling that 20 page paper and participating in classroom conversation.
I was recently reminded that in the past, I actually spoke Spanish fluently. (What? My tongue surely doesn't remember such a time.) I loved being able to learn another language and being able to accurately understand a different rich culture. Unfortunately difficult experiences abroad instilled some kind of fear in me and I instinctively built a wall in my heart.
Somehow the only work experience I have built has been exclusively in retail. This was never in my plan. Am I now only restricted to this field even though I desire so much more?

Oh, the lies that keep me crouching down so low! "You don't have any special gifts otherwise you would have discovered them by now. You don't have an identity because our world defines people by what job they have. This will never end. It's all your fault. Everyone is judging me. You are not good enough at anything...etc."

STOP.

My identity does not lie in anything I do. Who cares about what other people think? This is my journey. I feel a passion in my heart that I cannot describe. This passion usually exceeds my understanding and I have no idea how it will be used, but it has to be there for something. My husband and I will be provided for. We will be content. I will be patient.

Darling magazine posted an article on surviving unemployment. Most of it speaks of networking and taking time to discover more of who you are. Deep breaths and prayers reset my mind. I desire connections and inspirations. I continue to ask questions and state my thoughts to keep my mind active:

• You love school...get a Masters! (but in what field?)
• Open your heart to Spanish again; do not choke a gift.
• Make connections with people you admire and start asking questions about their journeys.
• Do not be afraid to start small.
• Under no circumstances let your feelings of inadequacy inhibit you from exploration.
• Humble yourself and ask for help.
• Teach yourself something new.
• Stop and smell those roses.

I deeply desire to make a difference and be continually moved by the human soul. I believe my taste has the ability to inspire and make sense of things. I am not afraid to learn. I am willing. I am seeking.

Who? What? Where? When? How?

{thought}

not in apathy but in pursuit,

not in self but in un-self,

not in captivity but in freedom,

here lies inspiration.

image via designlovefest